The ups & mostly downhill of getting hammered nowadays.
As I was writing this, I just recovered from hangover since I had 2 cans of beer and 3 glasses of gin tonic at home, alone, last night. This despair feeling I had was pretty much similar several days ago — probably heavy drinks I had led me to this despair feeling each time I had drinks.
During my younger years, I had no collection of memories feeling like this after hard partying, even when I collapsed in the bar and needed few minutes in the washroom to just emptying my stomach so I can, at least, walk to the taxi and went back home. Headache was surely on the table, but I never felt this stint of sadness, let alone despair. All I did was taking ibuprofen and all would be good — resuming the day as usual.
But it was different when I hit 30. I was always the life of the party. Some friends called me the enabler in the party, since practically I can just start conversation with anyone, even strangers, and just put everyone comfortably in the big group and made sure none left behind. I was the approachable one.
And it was gone just like that in the span of few years. When I’m on my drinks, my happiness was only a short stint and it’s exclusive only when I drink beers. Approaching the 2nd pint, I would start to talk. Talking and having conversation are never difficult tasks for me, as I have many things to talk about in my mind. To get me interested to start is another problem as I wasn’t built to have much energy to deal with people. I can tell I’m introvert, but I’m not shy. Worse yet, I have approachable manner that always welcome people to just talk to me. With this limited amount of energy that I have, now it’s only going downhill when I’m on the 3rd pint. I start to become agitated by even small things, like loud music, or people trying to lean on me when they talk. Or when they talk too closer to my ears. I’d turn to this reserved person who can only talk to another 2 people at most.
Today as I’m nursing my hangover, this unexplainable despair bursting out and coming out of nowhere. Hangover always comes up with this strong sadness, and desperation that I didn’t know how to channel it out. Maybe this would make a good start to gradually stop drinking alcohol. As I was writing that phrase, I felt chill on my spine. Looking back, drinking has helped me channeling out a lot of pressure and stress at work. Even acting as social lubricants that I need it most to interact with people in real life settings.
I don’t know how to begin, is there really a thing called gradual quitting? Or simply to quit it cold-turkey.
